Sixteen Stones

Finally! A new post. Had you given up? Here I am, back again…
And, at the beginning of a new year, with a resolution to do better at updating the Sixteen Stones blog regularly! I promise. Well, I resolve.

The problem with New Year’s resolutions, typically, is that we really want to change or improve something and we set a lofty goal. But we quickly learn that lasting change is the hardest thing we do in this life. We want something to change – maybe even profoundly want it…but somehow resisting that chocolate, keeping up with that new exercise program, or always governing our tongue against the gossiping word…it’s just too hard. And then, when we’ve fallen off the wagon once, it’s easier to do it the second time and, before long….the resolution has vanished into the fog of “what might have been….” And the sad thing is, we usually feel worse about ourselves because we just couldn’t manage the discipline to do even that…

Anthony Wolf, a children/adolescent psychotherapist encourages parents of teenagers to set rules for them, even when the teenagers seem to disregard those rules. He says that teens who have rules tend to behave better overall, than those who don’t. If you set a curfew at midnight and the teenager routinely comes in at 12:20 or 12:30 a.m., we can tend to think s/he’s disregarding the curfew. But, Wolf says, without the curfew at all, s/he might come in a 2 or 3 a.m. To be sure, there are some “rules” in our lives that are hard and fast. We generally call them commandments. But a rule is set to create a boundary to keep kids safe overall. And, Wolf says, if we reiterate the rule and tell our teenager that the rule remains in place and we won’t tolerate disrespect for it, typically, generally, the teenager will, more or less, abide by the rule. Now, that makes us uncomfortable sometimes, but I think the point is good. Set the rule. Reiterate the rule. When the rule is bent, remind and restate the rule and continue to expect respect for it. And, more or less, the teenager – seeking independence and distance from parents – all teens do – will keep it.

Perhaps that should be the way we think about resolutions. I want to be better at scripture study. I’m going to resolve to spend 30 minutes a day reading scriptures. Maybe I manage that four or five days a week. That’s better than last year when I only managed it once a month. I want to exercise faithfully five times a week. If I manage it three times, and remind myself that I want to do five, but acknowledge myself for the improvement of three, the resolution is helping me. If I resolve not to gossip, and find my loose tongue wagging and feel badly about it because I’ve broken the resolution, I remind myself of the resolution, renew my commitment to it and, I submit, that resolution is working. It’s working because it’s reminding me of the higher standard I’ve set and as I recommit to it and begin again, improvements will come…slowly, perhaps, over time…but that’s the way change becomes lasting and permanent. Slowly, a little bit at a time, over time. The scriptures refer to that as “line upon line,” or “grace for grace.”

I’ve made some resolutions this new year. And I’m holding a softer hand over myself as I work at them. January hasn’t been perfect. But my resolution continues to be the guiding star and, bit by bit, I’m getting closer to being the person I want to be. How about you?